How to Speak to Toddlers: Speaking āToddler-eseā
If you were an ambassador to China but only spoke Greek, trust me, youād have problems! Likewise, talking with your toddler will be 100 times easier once you learn the simple steps to translate your words into his ānativeā language: Toddler-ese.
I discovered Toddler-ese by accident. Like most pediatricians, I dealt with 20 tantrums a day from toddlers who hated being at the doctorās. Then I began to notice that when I echoed a bit of the childās upset feelings backāusing a very simple style of languageāI could usually convert their crying to laughter (or at least cooperation) in minutesā¦or less!
The Basics of Talking to Toddlers:
- Toddler-ese is your toddlerās ānative tongue.ā
- Toddlers are like uncivilized or primitive little peopleā¦think of them as ācave kids.ā Remember those Tarzan moviesā¦and the simple language used? āCome, Cheetah, come!ā āNo, Jane, no eat.ā You get the idea.
- You can translate anything into Toddler-ese with 3 simple steps: short phrases, repetition and mirroring a bit of your childās feelings (using your tone of voice and gestures).
- The more you practice Toddler-ese, the better you get at it.
- Amazingly, all of us automatically use Toddler-ese with our young childrenā¦when theyāre happy. But we often forget to use it when theyāre upset.
How to Connect With Your Toddler
Toddler-ese is better than magic and nothing short of amazingāitās real and it works! It helps children feel cared about and understood. And when you combine Toddler-ese with the Fast-Food Rule, you will be able to prevent up to 90% of tantrums before they even happen and youāll settle more than 50% of the meltdowns that do occurā¦in seconds!
Sound too good to be true? Fortunately, itās not. In fact, most parents who try Toddler-ese usually see major improvements in their childās behavior in just days and feel better connected with their child.
How to Speak to Toddlers: Itās as Easy as 1, 2, 3
Toddler-ese turns adult language into simple messages that our cave-kids understandā¦even during a frenzy. You can translate anything you want to say into Toddler-ese with just 3 simple techniques:
- Short phrases.
- Repetition.
- Mirroringāa bitāof your childās feelings (with your tone of voice and gestures).
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Step 1: Short Phrases
The first principle of Toddler-ese is to use very short phrases. The more upset your toddler is, the simpler your words need to be.
For young tots, or very angry older kids, start with 1-2 word phrases (using just the key words). For example, for an upset 2-year-old:
Instead of:Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Say:
āI know you feel mad about it.āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āYouāre mad! Mad! Mad!ā
āDid that doggie scare you?āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āScared! Scared! Big doggie!ā
āYou really want that candy, donāt you?āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā āCandy! Candy! You want itā¦now!ā
These ābite-sizeā bits of lingo are perfect for a childās stressed-out brain. (Of course, a your tot recovers, you will stretch your phrases back to normal.)
Step 2: Repetition is Key for Communicating with Toddlers
Repetition is just as important as short phrases. Words whiz by your toddlerās brain too fast for her to handle when sheās in an emotional tangle. And the more upset she gets, the deafer sheāll seem. Thatās why youāll need to repeat the same short phrases 3-8 timesā¦just to get your upset toddlerās attention. Then, it helps to say it a few more times, to convince her you really understand.
Does this sound excessive? Itās not. In fact, many parents fail to soothe their child merely because they think acknowledging their childās feelings just one time is enough. But when emotions slam shut the door of your childās mind, you have to āknockā many times just for her to hear you and ālet you in.ā
Hereās how to do it: Imagine itās raining, and your 2-year-old, Sam, is desperate to go splashing in the mud. Heās crying at the door, struggling to reach the knob. In response, you:
- Get down on his level and point to the door.
- Say: āYou wantā¦you wantā¦you want outside! Outside now! Sammy says, āGoā¦goā¦go!āāĀ
If he keeps fussing, repeat your words a few more times. Soon heāll turn to you, as if to say, Huh? You talkinā to me?
As his crying lessens, stretch your sentences back to normal: āSammy says, āOutside now!ā You really want to go out! You say, āLetās go play, Mommy!āā
If you have noticed his feelings accurately, heāll turn to you, look you right in the eyes and think to himself: Bingo! Thatās exactly what I want. Mom āgets itā!
As he calms a bit more, it becomes your turn to give a message (explanation, distraction, etc.): āBut no, sweetheart, noooo. Itās raining! Raining! Wetā¦yucky! Come with me! Letās have a pillow fight. Come fun! Itās fun!ā
Step 3: Mirror a Bit of Your Toddlerās Intensity in Your Tone and Gestures
The first 2 parts of Toddler-ese are a big help, but the third is the magic key! Your little one may not understand all your words, but sheās brilliant at reading your voice and face (a right-brain specialty). Thatās why mirroring a bit of your childās emotions with your tone of voice, facial expression and body language lets you connect perfectly with her sweet spot!
- Voice. Use more oomph than normal, but speak at a lower volume than your child is using. Reflect some of the fear, frustration and other emotions you hear in her tone of voice, at about a third of her intensity. (If your child is very shy or sensitive, you will probably have to use a bit less intensity.) Gradually bring your voice back to normal as she begins to calm.
- Face. Be expressive. Raise your eyebrows, shake your head, open your eyes, furrow your brow and purse your lips.
- Body language. Use lots of gestures. Wag a finger, wave your hands, point, shrug, stomp the ground.
Like Anything, Talking to Your Toddler Takes Practice!
It can take a little time to get the hang of Toddler-ese. So, if youāre just learning and still feel self-conscious talking like that, no worriesāājust start out slowly. Use it first for the little up and downs. Once you get more comfortable with it, gradually start using it for more turbulent upsets. I guarantee that you will love using it.
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